Afraid to...

          I consider myself a tough cookie, with my head screwed on tight and feet planted firmly on the ground. I'm not phased by others thoughts and I welcome blunt honesty with open arms.  I live in my own little world and I'm quite proud of who I am and how I've turned out.  For this I have my life experiences from different situations and people to thank.

But I can't deny, I'm afraid...
I'm afraid of letting my guard down because building it up was how I learned to deal with life's harsh realities.
I'm afraid of caring too much about a person because I know how heartbreaking being let down can be.
I'm afraid of doing too much in terms of relationships because I never want to be that annoying girl that doesn't get the hint. 

          I really want to give the rabid doberman pincher's protecting my heart and soul a break and just be the female I am.  Independent but needy at times. Understanding though unreasonable every now and then. And strong but allowed to be weak once in while.  I just want to just be the unadulterated uncensored, unedited me with someone who gets that and won't abandon me for it. 

Is that too much to ask?



Note To Self

          I know I've neglected posting but LIFE has been calling and that is the reason I blog in the first place.  But any who, here are just a few things I have to remind myself on a daily basis...

Financial

1. "A little goes a long way".  Don't use more than you need to and don't buy more than you have to. 
2. Never pay full price for something, unless its for a good cause.  Chances are somewhere out there you can get it cheaper.
3. Think BEFORE you buy.  Brand names aren't everything.  Do you really need another Coach bag Q?
4. Be happy with what you have.  There are people out there wishing they had just a fraction of what you do.

Health

1. You'll regret not going to the gym but you'll never regret going to the gym.
2. Exercise, its the best stress reliever.
3. Want to feel accomplished? Work out and stick your health plan.
4. That piece of chocolate only has a feel good rating of 10 seconds before you feel like crap for eating it in the first place.

Relationships

1. Let him have his space. You can't make someone forgive you until they're ready to.
2. Trust that if its meant to be, it will be.
3. After you're done crying, smile at the times you had together.
4. No matter how amazing he is, you can't expect him to be the only reason you smile if you can't make your own self happy.  Work on yourself and everything else will start to fall in place.

Life

1. Don't backtrack in life unless whatever it is is absolutely worth it.  You can't move forward if you're still focused on what's behind you. 
2. Things worth having are worth taking the time.
3. Make a difference and do something greater than yourself.
4. On days when you're feeling like nothing can get worse or you're thinking "God, why me?"  Watch this video and count your blessings.
5. One person can make a difference with the help of others.  #kony2012

Story of My Life: A Dedication

Don't Rush Me

For I will Delay

 

Don't try to Convince Me

For I will not Believe

 

And Don't Force Me

For I will put up a Fight

 

But Instead Just be True to Yourself

For I will have no other choice but to fall in Love

 

 

I'm In Love

I'm in love with her smile,
Her chinky brown eyes
And the way her crazy hair falls in all the wrong places.

I'm in love with the way she spoils me,
Her lavish gifts
And how there is nothing she won't do for me.

I'm in love with the certainty she has in herself,
Her sheer determination
And the way she stays strong even through the toughest of times.

I'm in love with her honesty,
Her raw uncensored self
And how she's genuine all the way through.

I'm in love with the possibilities,
The promises I know she will keep
And the heart I know she will never break.

I'm in love with her love,
Because I know it runs deep
Deeper and more truer than any other can compare.

Yes I am in love
And I'm in love with Me.

LESSON OF THE DAY

          Take that love that you've been saving up for the right guy or girl and use it on yourself.  No one can love you better than you.

I Vow to Make the Most out of My Weekends

          And that is exactly what I did.  I hung out with great people, did a little shopping, worked on some awesome stuff (stay tuned!), organized, cleaned and finished off the weekend with a little me time at the movies. 

          What did I see?  Well you may have gotten a hint from the title but I went and saw "The Vow".  Sappy love story it was indeed but it taught me a lot.  For one, when I do decide to get back into a relationship, I WILL NOT drag my boyfriend to see sad chic flicks with me.  There were a few solos in there with me but a lot of poor men were sitting there bored out of their minds while their girlfriends ooohed and awwwed with the rest of us.  Take something your man likes to watch that you can't stand, now imagine being forced to sit through it for 2 hours?  Yeah I didn't think you'd like it either.

          Second thing I learned was to go to an earlier show.  Disclaimer: I'm usually NOT a crier for movies unless an animal dies.  But since "The Notebook", I haven't been as tough when it comes to love stories.  That combined with my already vulnerable state, I became a ball of tears.  As soon as the credits started rolling I beelined to the exit.  Since I went to a 5:30 showing on Sunday, I had to cut through the crowded lobby trying to hide my running nose and bloodshot eyes.  Solution? Next time go to a early matinee so I don't have to do the walk of shame through a crowd.

LESSON OF THE DAY

          And the last thing I learned was from the movie itself.  It was a great reiteration of if its meant to be, it will find its way...on its own.  Don't force it, no matter how bad you want it because it just doesn't work out that way.  I won't spoil the movie for you but this probably made my top list of favorite movies because it was a realistic romance.  Definitely a must see in my book. 

Happy Wednesday People!

21st Century Heartaches

          A breakup is already hard but in the age of social media, its even worse.  I remember my first real breakup.  I was only 17 and at that time Facebook and Twitter wasn't relevant.  I had a little Myspace account that I occasionally used but that was only assessable from my home desktop computer.  Needless to say if you wanted to check up on someone you had to use the phone.

          But the point was that when we broke up that was it.  I didn't have to worry about seeing tagged pictures of him with other females or reading his status updates on what he was doing or who he was with and feeling like everything he said on there was directed at me.  Nope, didn't have to do it. 

          Back then, life was simple and you didn't have to worry about reading into every single post, or lack thereof.  In the age of social networks, there is no such thing as self control when you have access to an ex's social network because in that battle curiosity always wins over self control.  But what I've learned in my sporadic cleaning of my social accounts is that if they can let go of you in real life than you can (and should) let go of them in the online one.

LESSON OF THE DAY

          I'm a firm believer in que sera sera, so its ok to let go because if it was truly meant to be, it will find its way back.  So for your sanity and the sake of moving on, go ahead and cut the umbilical cord that is your social network ties to the person who decided to let you go in real life.  And until you are FULLY at a place where you can be fine being his friend, reading his posts, not taking anything he says personally and not losing your mind if you see a picture of him with someone else, don't friend him.  And on that note I will leave you with a little humor I found of all places...Facebook.

           

A Letter to A Love

Dear Love,

          As the tears began to fall from my eyes this morning, as I washed away yesterday, something was different.  As quickly as they formed, they disappeared.  It was as if my body could no longer afford to spend any more than a split second wishing and hoping for you before it went back to its daily routine. 

          Life without you has proven to be rough, but I'm making it through.  Going cold turkey on a love and a best friend had me going through withdrawals, but I'll be ok.  In the beginning, in a feverish effort to get back what we had I thought, "I'll just wait for you." But then I realized that you may never come around, and in the chance that you eventually did, my life may have passed me by.  So I will go on to find my happiness within myself and continue to live for me and if one day life brings us back together, then I know we were truly meant to be.

          But I won't hold my breath, for I might die from oxygen deprivation.  I won't hope, for hope requires too much of my heart, and right now its in repair.  And I won't wait, because my life won't wait for me.  But I will live and learn to be the source of my own happiness because in the end that's all any one of us have is ourselves. 

          I want you to know that I'm not bitter and no longer upset or angry with you.  While my heart is still sad from your decision, I realize that you did what you had to in order to make you happy and I can only respect that.  If anything, I owe you a thank you. 

          You've taught me a lot about myself, about life, and even more about relationships and what it really means to be with someone.  You showed me that the men women dream about and talk about in love stories do exist and as much as I might of complained, you were that for me.  I only hope that some woman shows you that same truth.

          So goodbye.  I wish you the best of luck in everything.  And thank you.  You've given me more than any man has yet.

Love Always,

A Dedication

Sometimes you can't find the words to describe how you feel, but 99% of the time you can find that one song that says it better than you could ever put it.

Acceptance

          What do you do when you have no idea how to fix what's been done?  What do you say when there's nothing else left you can say?  You wish that you could go back in time to take back words you said, things you did just to make it right again. But life isn't a time machine.  You can't go backwards, only forwards. 

          Still it doesn't change the fact that you want what you had back.  You'd do anything to get it back.  That warm feeling in your heart, that smile on your face, you'd do anything to have it back.  But its not up to you, its up to fate.   

          Blinded by the tears in your eyes caused by the pain in your chest that paralyzes and consumes your thoughts, the only way to try to deal is to remind yourself that it is up to fate now.  Que Serra, Serra.  Whatever will be, will be.  

          Though fate doesn't prevent you from breaking down in a crowded club because in spite of being surround by so many people you feel so alone.  It doesn't make it easier to keep it together at work because your mind can only really think about the one person you no longer have.  And it definitely can't hide the hurt and emptiness you feel in your heart that shows on your face even when you try to muster up a smile.  Nope Fate can't even stop the tears from running down your face as the radio plays songs that remind you of him. 

        I had a great thing and I lost it.  And now there is nothing left for me to do but accept it.     

Heartbroken for the Holidays

"Sometimes its better to feel pain than to be numb, at least then you know your alive"  -Q

          Clearly by the title I didn't have the best holiday but my comfort came from the reactions I got from my family after opening the presents I gave them. A Kindle Fire for them as a whole, Resident Evil for the Wii for my stepmother who couldn't find a zombie game anywhere for the console, and some new Skylanders game for my little sister's new 3Ds.

           It's always nice to be surrounded by family and friends no matter what time of year it is but especially for the Holidays.  I did a lot over my mini vaca and I'll be sure to update with tons of pics and stories, but right now my mind is not on any of that.  The quote at the top came to my head this morning.  Part of me is numb but I still feel the twinge of pain (emotionally).  I guess that's a better place to be than completely on either ends of the spectrum.  I wish no one the agony of a first heartbreak,  you might end up something like Bella from Twilight (been there done that and trust its neither cute or healthy). 

          But then again to be completely numb deprives the soul from feeling any emotion, happiness and joy included.  Times like these you just have to hold your head up and remember that anything that is meant to be will find its way back to you and if not then everything happens for a reason.

25 Days of Blessings: My Special Someone

          So maybe saying I'll post a blessing of mine everyday was a bit too ambitious, so to be more realistic I'll change that to everytime I post in the month of Decemember I will talk about a blessing of mine.  Posting anything everyday is too much when you actualy have a life you want to live and enjoy.

          As for today's blessing I'm grateful for, its my special someone.  Everyone wants to find that special person that they can share any and everything with, someone who gives even more than they take, someon to listen and offer advice (even if you don't want to take it), and someone that gives you that rollercoaster sensation in your stomach even though your feet are planted firmly on the ground.  Well I got all that and more with Mike.  We have our problems too, but I can honestly say that for me the good definately outweigh the bad. 

          Now before you go thinking that I'm so kind of hopeless romantic, I'm not, I'm just a romantic :).  But I'm very much a realist as well.  I don't know what the future holds for us and how long we'll be together (though I hope for a while) all I can do is be happy and grateful for the moments we have now and ride it out for as long as we can.

LESSON OF THE DAY

          Sometimes you get so wrapped up in your own plans and ideas for the furture when in a relationship, that you cause more problems than neccessary.  Learn to forget about tomorrow and focus on today, because if you're only focused on the future, you'll miss out on the present which won't lead to the future you planed. 

"36 Things to Do While You're Single"

          Before you say anything, I know, I'm not single nor do I want to be.  I enjoy my relationship very much, however I found this article a while back when I was single and looking at it now, it still applies to me.  The article is entitled "36 Things to Do While You're Single" and while I credit the writer for her lovely list (whom I unfortunately do not remember) it should be entitled "36 Things to Do While You're Young and Unmarried".  

"36 Things to Do While You're Single"

To Build Your Confidence…

1. Go to a movie alone. I've done this and it was kind of fun. I recommend a matinee though

2. Lift weights. When I bench-press 45 lbs., I feel like the bomb.

3. Try surfing, water-skiing, or some activity you don't already know how to do. Could be riding a bicycle.

4. Take out the trash, set a mousetrap, do your taxes, build a bookcase.  I believe every woman should have a toolbag, makes you feel like Ms. Independent and helps you get things done

5. Live alone, or at least move apartments without the help of family.

6. Train for (and finish) a huge physical test like a half-marathon.

7. Go to a scary doctor's appointment by yourself. I once dragged myself to a CAT Scan in the dead of winter, all the way over on 1st Ave., post-break-up. I felt like I was made of steel.

8. Quit your job. It feels so good to take a job and shove it (and not be affecting anyone else's livelihood).

9. Fly to a foreign country by yourself. I was nervous on my first solo trip to Europe, even though I almost always have to travel alone.

10. Learn to stand up for yourself. (If you're not naturally assertive, may I recommend moving to New York City? It did wonders for me.)

To Be Able to Look Back and Say "I Had Fun"…

11. Witness something once-in-a-lifetime, like Jokulsarlon, a lake next to a melting glacier in Iceland (see photo).

12. Revel in being able to watch all the reality TV you want. I'm pretty sure no man will be able to stand as much Bravo TV as my roommate Erica.  Though some men can :)

13. Get drunk during the day, just because you can. Attend Santacon, the convention for Santas, or something similar.  I recomend Miami do do this, its the norm down there

14. Go on a date with someone who actually makes you nervous.

15. Go out with an older man who takes you somewhere nice and makes you feel like a million bucks.

16. Go out with a guy who makes you laugh ‘til it hurts.

To Get Perspective…

17. Be a good wingwoman. It's not always about you.

18. Chill with your widowed and single grandma. She knows "alone"!

19. Volunteer.

To Make You Appreciate the Next Guy…

20. Do at least one Valentine's Day alone.

21. Attend a wedding (or 15) alone.

22. Date the creeps. You'll really value the nice guys afterward.

To Make You Feel Sexy and Attractive…

23. Buy yourself some flowers.

24. Invest in a LBD (little black dress) and some sexy stilettos.

25. Sit at a bar by yourself and drink a martini. Cool.  I really would like to do this but I'm scared

26. Buy something frivolous and expensive that you LOVE wearing.

To Make the Most of Your Free Time…

27. Finish all your schooling if you can. Not that it was ever my goal to go to grad school, but I did, and it would've been tough dragging a guy up to isolated New Hampshire and making him sit there in the cold for two years while I studied (and partied).

28. Throw yourself into something time-consuming, like learning a foreign language. You may not have time to do this again until you retire and the kids are off to college.

To Make Yourself a Better Partner in the Future…

29. Make a list of all your faults.

30. Learn to cook well. I'm still working on this.

31. Get some hobbies. Something's gotta keep you occupied—plus it'll make you seem interesting.

32. Let your married friends edit your online dating profile. My dear friend Cheryl has caught a few doozies.

33. Get your finances in order.

To Appreciate Being Single…

34. Babysit someone's baby for an hour.  My nephews often do the trick

35. Help a friend through her divorce or a bad break-up.

36. Host a girls-only night. I think some coupled-up women forget how much we need each other." Much needed especially if you are in a relationship

Halfway to Happiness

          Seems like its been a while since I posted, with actually having some stuff to at work (still not much but its an upgrade from nothing) and with moving, getting sick and trying to make some of my goals a reality, it seems life has started to pick up :). 

          While I am no where near where I want to be, I am a far cry from the dark, depressing place I was just a month ago.  With the new move, I now have money to do the things I want to do and with a new roommate, I have awoken my social life from the dead.  I feel like this move, and being in an amazing state of mind with my boyfriend has given me the boost of enthusiasm I needed to go after the main gaping hole in my life which is keeping me from full achieving my happiness... my career choice. 

          Last week I went to an amazing conference for professionals in Student Affairs.  It was so refreshing 1: being around people who actually enjoyed what they did and 2: actually being excited about what I was learning and could potentially be doing.  I met a few contacts that are already helping me get into grad school and secure an assitantship so I won't have to pay for it.  The only draw back to it all is the pay cut I will have to take, but you can't have it all, all the time.

          It all comes down to a decision that we all have to make, do you do something for the love of it, or for the love of money?  In my case, I'm doing engineering for the love of money; Higher Ed, I will do for the love of it.

LESSON OF THE DAY

          What I am finding out is that you can't have everything you want, right away.  In your career, your relationships, and in your life altogether happiness and true gratification take time.  You can't jump right into a job and expect to love what you do and make the money you dream of making right off the bat.  Most likely in the beginning it will be either or.  In relationships, you can't expect that the other person will be and do everything you wanted automatically.  You have to let them know what you want and expect and learn what they want and expect in return and that takes a lot of time and patience on both ends.  But I believe that if you can bear to wait (I know its hard to do, coming from a person who wants everything now) everything will fall into its place.

Me, myself, and I

          Me, myself, and I. That's who I came in and that's all I'll have when I leave here.  In life, people will come and go but your the only one that is gonna be there for good. Its a pipe dream to think anyone will understand you better than yourself and when you're feeling a certain way you gotta be the one to deal with it because no one else will understand.

           Everyone handles change differently.  Some can see the positive in it more vividly than others. And then there's those who can only focus on how things were in the past instead of making what they have now work for them in achieving their happiness. Me, I fall into the later.  I'm a Taurus, proud, strong, stubborn and unyielding to change.  I like my routine and anything that interrupts that, well lets just say It can take a nice flight to hell and stay there.  Needless to say this new job, state, and living situation have not been an easy transition for me. 

           Some days are better than others but most days are like hell.  When the bad days out number the good, the good days seemed to get overlooked by the bad ones and then its seems like everyday is hell when in reality it isn't.

           It's easy to say happiness is a choice for those who are happy.  For the rest of us, we wish it were that easy.  You might be saying well it is and to you I say you are wrong.  If happiness was as an easy of a choice as you happy people say it is then why are depression and suicide rates so high?  Not saying my unhappiness is that severe but its not as easy as you think.

           Its true, misery does love company, but so does happiness.  So what happens when a happy person and a sad person who are both set in their ways meet? For that I don't have an answer... yet, but when I find out I'll be sure to let you know.  I can imagine it would be the same answer to the question what happens when an immovable object meets an unstoppable force.  And if you know the answer to that please let me know.

LESSON OF THE DAY

           If your in a rut, don't drag anyone one else in it.  There might be that one person who you tell everything to and you feel it would be wrong to be anything but real and honest with them about how you're feeling, but even for them you'll have to put on a smile because as soon as you open up about your rut, if they care about you they'll feel like they need to fix it.  And the reality is that they can't, only you can and if they try it will only strain your relationship to a point you don't want to go.  And if you can't fake the funk while you get your shit together, then maybe you should take a step back for a while until you do. 

Damn You Emotions

"Control your emotion, or it will control you"
                                                                                                     -Unknown
          You ever wonder if that someone is thinking about you and wanting to see you as much as you are about them?  Ever wonder if their feelings are as deep yours?  Well I do, I think most women do when they truly care about someone.  But I wish I didn't.  Life would be soooo much easier if we thought and had the emotional capacity of men.  I'm no man but I don't think they think about these things as much as us woman do.  Probably why guys seem so nonchalant and woman so emotionally high strung in a relationship. 
         
          Someone once told me that women don't love harder than men, but differently.  I don't know if that's necessarily true but everyone has their own opinions.  I believe that we fall faster in the sense that whether we want to admit it to ourselves or not, we know earlier if what we feel is real or we're just amusing and occupying our time until the real thing comes along.  But if you start playing Beyonce's "1+1" on repeat, and that person has you reconsidering things you thought you'd never do before you met them, its probably a sign that its the real thing.

LESSON OF THE DAY

          When in a relationship, keep your emotions in check. A lot easier said than done for females but its better to seem casual and calm about the relationship than to seem overly invested, even if its how you really feel.  Weird right? They say the best relationships are built on trust and truthfulness.  Trust, definitely, but truthfulness, well I think that's half true.  Why, because if you are completely open and honest with someone, there is nothing left to the imagination and you leave yourself completely out there.  Times like these I wish you could read minds because if you know your on the same page, you have nothing to be afraid of, its just the opposite that leaves you in question...